Jaded... but still thankful nonetheless

Lord I Offer You My Life

All that I am

All that I have

I lay them down before You O Lord

All my regrets

All my acclaims

The joy and the pain

I'm making them Yours

Things in the past

Things yet unseen

Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true

All of my hopes

All of my plans

My heart and my hands

I lift them to You

Lord I offer my life to You

Everything I've been through

Use it for Your glory

Lord I offer my days to You

Lifting my praise to You

As a pleasing sacrifice

Lord I offer You my life

May we always remember why we're doing what we're doing and for whom we're doing this. As the exams draw near for us all, may this be ever close to our hearts.

at least the furore is over. perhaps this is leading up to something after all. it's because I wouldn't take the first step, therefore I needed prodding. and when the subtle reminders didn't work, more drastic measures were needed to get me back on track. anyways, we'll see how things work out from here.

So... the blue pill, or the red?

Seems like she's not the only one confused tonight.

Didn't see this coming, but it hit so suddenly, so unexpectedly, it threw me off. Perhaps I placed my wisdom too high up, that I thought I saw it all, saw all of Your plan. So. What exactly is Your plan?

Can I trust even when things don't seem to add up? I am afraid, what if arithmetic were a flawed language and I've been using it all along.

Honestly, I want it my way. And honestly, I am scared of Sunday. I am scared of the collapse of a world I've been living in for the better half of my life.

Kyrios-Doulos

It was a fulfilling night tonight, having done up the 3 concurrent birthday celebrations for renee, emz and kenny. I'm glad they enjoyed it :)

On another note, I am reminded of pride rearing its ugly head. Just came back from my grandmother's birthday celebrations as well and I was reminded how important it is that we give thanks for everything we have and acknowledge all that we have achieved to the grace of the Lord. I am yet again thankful for the lessons He's taught me in the army, that I might relate to others much better and helped in my journey to maturity. As Ling Chung succinctly put it, being on the side of Christ is a divisive choice - we are going against the flow of the world. As assaults on my pride are thrown at me, may I resist the temptation to boast and to stand firm on the ground, lest I buckle under the waves of oppression and bow my knee to that of pride.

May I never forget the lessons learnt, and may I see myself nothing more than a slave of Christ. To see myself as anything more than that would be to take for granted His adoption of me as a son, and I dare not go down that road again.

Let Go, Let God

I'm pretty sure we've heard that many times but still, we need timely reminders like what happened in lecture today. Just had my first academic lecture of the course - cytology. Boy, was it humbling and a much-needed wake up call. No, it was nothing new (mostly anyways) since it's the stuff we've been learning about a cell since sec 4 and J1. To my astonishment, I found myself panicking pretty badly (to the point where I was close to hyperventilating, to put it in a hyperbolic sense) over senseless things like forgetting what's a cristae and a cisternae. It was humbling and exposed the kinks in my relationship with God. Reflecting upon what happened, it dawned upon me that my insecurities and paranoia exposes my lack of trust in God, who's shown me time and time again that He will lead me through the journey no matter what. The foolish compulsion to worry is again futile and rather much of an insult to Him and His sovereignty, that I do not trust in Him who's placed me in this faculty for a purpose I am to fulfill. Yet this is just the start of my medical journey, and while it may be worrying to find myself panicking over trivial topics (think of what will happen when the real deal comes...), I choose to see it as an opportunity and a chance to set things right. It is a reminder from God to put my perspective in place and set my eyes upon Him as I embark upon this journey, that I may set my fundamentals right before moving on.

Alright. That's enough said. Just came back from Bible study wif LC and I must say I'm dead beat. Gonna crash on my bed now. Goodnight world.

Loaded and ready to go

Just met up with LC for an exchange of experiences and discussion of what we've learnt along the way thus far.

Boy am I thankful for him and his candid opinions and advice for potential pitfalls in the road ahead. M1 seems rather scary but hey, I know I'm not alone in this battle. I never am. I know fighting alongside me are the many brothers and sisters I have and most importantly, God is on my side.

Perhaps the hardest thing to do now is to have a paradigm shift in my mindset, away from that of the world and instead to keep my eyes ever fixed upon God. What am I in this course for? That is a question I need to constantly ask myself and remind myself of the very thing I said which inspired my interviewer. I'm glad God used me, but I must again remind myself consciously never to be proud. Hence, the motto: not pride of knowledge, but humility of wisdom.

We had a meetup before I enlisted also and it helped loads as I consciously reminded myself of possible pitfalls and avoided them faithfully. All the way till the end of BMT. That should not have been the case; I should have kept my motivation to do well for God going strong. I am thankful though, that despite that, God allowed me personal victories, which I hope reflected God's glory and righteousness and spoke to others around me. But yes, there were failures which I am determined to conquer. It's a lifetime battle, but God has never sent us into any situation unprepared and shortchanged.

This time as I embark on this lifelong journey in medicine, may I learn, then share with those who come after me, as LC did for me. I am grateful and inspired, by the patient and painstaking passing of knowledge and wisdom from one batch to the next, and this is the very thing I hope resonated through to the reader of my medicine essay.

Above all, I pray for a renewal of my mind, body and soul. I pray that I will never lose sight of what's important, what's at the very centre of my life - God. His will be done.